Admittedly, it’s not brand spanking new. But hadn’t seen it before, and I thought it looked pretty cool!

Sci-Fi has a long and proud history of cancellation. Perfectly good shows (and plenty of plain awful shows) have seen the axe for a multitude of different reasons. Let’s take a look at five sure-fire ways to ruin a decent show.

1) Air your show on FOX
As Firefly, The Sarah Connor Chronicles and Dollhouse has shown, quality has no impact on the lifetime of your show if you choose to air it on FOX. In fact, it would seem that longevity in FOX is inversely proportional to quality. Firefly was absolute quality. Just Google “firefly cancelled” to see the outcry. Dollhouse, although still a good show, wasn’t near Firefly’s calibre, and therefore lasted for slightly longer before reaching the same grisly demise. And let’s not even get started on Sliders! That’s it, Fox: create some of the finest science fiction of the last decade before callously shooting it down. Good call!

2) Kill off the lead character (or at least get rid of them unceremoniously)
Once they’re gone, the show can’t be far behind. Although Earth: Final Conflict lasted for some time after the death of William Boone, played by Kevin Kilner. However, when you base your show so firmly around the lead character’s personality and moral conflicts, you have a huge amount of creative rebuilding and restructuring that is not easy to successfully achieve. Even Ben Browder’s introduction to Stargate SG-1 to replace Richard Dean Anderson, although relatively well managed, signalled the beginning of the end for the show (even if it did provide enough energy to delay the inevitable for a year or two)

3) Go on for too long
Star Trek is probably the finest example. You can’t keep producing top quality stories week-in, week-out for fifteen years. Voyager and Enterprise probably didn’t need to happen. Deep Space Nine was tremendous, and after that the franchise should probably have taken three or four years out to refresh and re-energise. Voyager’s premise was strong, but it’s implementation was poor. As soon as the writer’s think creating an incredibly inaccurate Irish village in the holodeck is a good idea, it’s time to panic. Being from Ireland, the whole thing was laughable. And it was never going to be good sci-fi.

4) Sex it up!
Ratings are falling, reviews are mediocre, what do you do? Get your most attractive female cast member to take her clothes off, regardless of the plot making sense. Nudity is always a winner, right? Sadly, it’s not. Enterprise’s attempts to “sex it up” in season three were, frankly, ludicrous. Star Trek, according to Gene Roddenberry, was never adverse to lascivious female aliens: Orion slave girls, anyone? But quite frankly, making Jolene Blalock little more than eye-candy was a poor call. It didn’t fit the character, and was blatantly an attempt to attract an audience of hormonal college boys. Are the same men interested in Jolene Blalock’s “assets” going to care about the ramifications of a temporal anomaly? I doubt. Voyager and Enterprise’s writers made the other cast act like giggling school girls around Jeri Ryan’s Seven of Nine and Blalock’s T’Pol respectively. It wasn’t clever, nor effective.

5) When all else fails, add zombies

Take this:

Note the stirring music, high production values, moral conflict and powerful premise.

Now, take five years later:

Note the alien vampires, poor acting, poor dialogue and little or no moral/emotional conflict whatsoever? Just gunshots and explosions.

The decline still brings a tear to my eye.

Sport of the Future

It seems as if there’s always some sort of sport being shown on TV. Football. Cricket. Snooker. Races of various kinds. Even baseball. Sometimes. On Channel 5. I think. I don’t know, I don’t really watch Channel 5. More importantly, I don’t watch sport. It just doesn’t hold my interest.

What is so fascinating about watching a group of grown men and women competing in such “exciting” and “dynamic” past-times as ‘who can get from point A to point B first’ , ‘who can put the little round thing in the net thing the most times’ and ‘who can make more money than I will ever see in my life in a single day by doing not a whole hell of a lot.’

Ok, so maybe I’m bitter because I was rubbish at sports in school. I was (am) the stereotypical geek who gets picked to be on the team last. I’ve had footballs kicked into face. I’m not very physically fit; my favourite sport at school was ‘500 yard dash to the library’ … well, less dash, saunter.  As such, I never developed the keen appreciation for sport that most of my peers seem to enjoy.  But that certainly doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy a good SciFi sport or two. I have my reasons. And here they are! This is my short list of SciFi sports that I’d pay good money to watch.

5:- Pod Racing – The Phantom Menace

Yes yes yes, Phantom Menace sucks, I know. But you have to admit, the pod racing scene was one of the handful of moments it got right.  Pod racing is essentially the same as any racing sport, but its futuristic setting is what sets it apart from the mundane everyday racing events you can witness in the real world. Why watch some guy on a motorbike zip past you every 20 minutes in the rain when you can sit in the stands under the two suns of Tattooine watching pod-racers take their lives into their hands at blistering speeds? It’s fantastically exotic, attended and performed by a diverse group of aliens that, admit it, you’d kill to rub shoulders with. Except perhaps for Sebulba. He’s a bit of a prat.  It’s rumoured that if you keep your eyes peeled you can spot ET in the crowd, but I’ve yet to see him.

Flashy and dynamic, this is how all F1 races should be – zipping lightning fast through an alien desert with lasers, players sabotaging each others’ vehicles and Tusken Sand Raiders camping out by the side of the pitch to take potshots at the racers.

4:- Death Race – Death Race (well, yes, it would be)

This one’s another race, obviously, but it’s in a whole different league. The vehicles are heavily armoured and highly weaponised – guns, shield, even napalm. Think watching races go horribly wrong on Sport’s Blankiest Blank is entertaining? Imagine watching all-out high-speed vehicular warfare! Sure, the life-expectancy of drivers is incredibly low, but that’s why you get maximum-security convicts to do it.  I suppose the only downside to watching from race-side stands would be the possibility of getting hit in the face by a bit of flying debris. Or set on fire. In the end, you have to ask yourself: is seeing such an incredibly awesome race worth the risk of grievous bodily harm? Of course it is! Probably.

3:- Kal-If-Fee -Star Trek TOS

Now I know that this isn’t a sport; it’s actually a Vulcan custom where a challenger and their challengee battle to the death to settle a grave matter of honour.  Naturally alien cultures need to be respected but if the Vulcans were looking to make a little cash I would buy ringside tickets to this in a heartbeat – and admit it, you would too.  The rousing music! The exciting moves! The vaguely homo-erotic subtext! This event makes boxing and wrestling look like shaking hands and talking about the weather. It’s the archetypal duel to the death, and aren’t those always better live, preferably with popcorn?

2:- Blurnsball – Futurama

Let’s face it, baseball is boring. It’s repetitive – ball pitched to batter, hit, caught by someone. Ball pitched to batter, hit, not caught by someone. Ball pitched to batter, not hit, strike. And batting averages, all those numbers! Yawn. What it needs is a little spicing up. Yes?

Well, good news everyone! In 3000 years time baseball will be a thing of the past, replaced by Blurnsball, a fast-paced and manic game with nonsensical ‘rules’.  Who needs rules, when the sport itself is such a marvellous spectacle!  Sure it’s a little difficult to keep score, especially when the ball goes down the little hole and additional balls are fired all over the place, but it certainly makes it worth leaving the house to attend in person.

1:- Rollerball – Rollerball (naturally)

Movie Videos & Movie Scenes at MOVIECLIPS.com

This sport has it all!  Exciting gameplay, studded gloves, superstar players and violent savagery. It’s a bit like American Football and a bit like Basketball, with motorcycles, steel balls and violence that makes Ice Hockey look tame by comparison thrown in. Set in a future where war is replaced by violent entertainment, this film’s primarily concerned with corporate skulduggery and the classic ‘lone figure sticking it to the man’. This is the film that James Caan was born to play in, and its subject is a game in which the players are clearly EARNING their massive paycheques. Next time you see a Football player dive to the floor holding his knee and hamming for the camera, spare a thought for the poor fools who play Rollerball.  This game is fast, brutal, compulsive viewing. No wonder the crowds go wild for it.

Honourable mentions:

Lightcycle Races – Tron : Exciting but difficult to get to see in person

Brockian Ultra-Cricket – The Hitchhiker’s Guide series : You can’t see what’s going on but you imagine it must be terribly exciting.

Quidditch – The Harry Potter series : Not SciFi, but I couldn’t not include it in some capacity. Who doesn’t want to see people whizzing around on broomsticks?

The Loony Toons Basketball Game – Space Jam : Just kidding.

Disclaimer: The following contains opinions that are my own, not necessarily those of Sci-Fi Heaven or anyone else. It also contains almost no reason or rationale whatsoever and should be taken with a big pinch of salt.

3D. Well it’s got to be better than bog-standard old 2D, innit, it’s got a whole extra D.  That’s one whole extra D, not half of a D but a whole one. What’s not to love?

In recent months we’ve seen something of a resurgence in the old 3D gimmick.  We’ve come such a long way now in terms of technology that we can dismissively wave away talk of such embarrassing spectacles as the old B-movies or the ludicious Jaws 3D. ‘Oh ho ho,’ we hoot, ‘dear me, the 3D films of today aren’t as poor as those lumbering dinosaurs. The end product of the 3D process is actually worth the cost of production these days. Bother us not with your trifles!’

Well I’m bothered.

Yes, the price difference between a 3D ticket and a non-3D ticket isn’t necessarily budget-crippling depending on where you go and which film you wish to watch.  Yes, 3D vastly enhanced the viewing experience of Avatar, a film which otherwise would have been visually nice but more noticeably hollow.

But for every Avatar, filmed in 3D with the 3D effect as part of the intended end product, there’s at least a handful of Clash of the Titans…es, where the 3D is slapped on and crowbarred in at a later date because the producers hear the sound of cash-registers ringing every time the word ‘3D’ is mentioned. The result is a poor, pointless and almost insulting grasp for extra money from us, the consumers.

At the moment it seems as if the announcement for every upcoming remake, animated kids’ flick or tired franchise sequel contains the words ‘IN 3D!’.  Logan’s Run? Check. Toy Story 3? Yup. Men in Black 3? Come on, do people even want a Men in Black 3 in 2D? Apparently so. Even the World Cup will be filmed in 3D!

Right now Space Chimps 2 is out in the cinemas. How did Space Chimps get a sequel? Did anyone WATCH the first Space Chimps? As far as I can tell the only reason it exists is because parents will take their kids to see anything in 3D so that they can sit their with their little eyes wide open because the chimps are RIGHT THERE IN THE ROOM! Except they’re not. Because 3D still isn’t that good yet.  Forgive me for being mostly 3D-indifferent until they’ve got films displayed as holograms.  It just doesn’t seem worth it till then.

My personal bugbear with 3D films is the glasses. I wear ordinary glasses that don’t muck about with any dimensions. So I have to wear the 3D glasses over them. Me and  millions of other people, yes.  Most people seem to experience no difficulties with this. A friend of mine gets blinding migraines from 3D glasses. Unless I’m using the silly cardboard ones I get intense pain at my temples where the pairs of glasses rest on each other for the first half hour of whatever film I watch in 3D. This is distracting. Quite distracting. It didn’t ruin Avatar but it certainly detracted from it.  Some people get motion sickness from being unable to focus properly during action sequences.  I’m not saying 3D is a health hazard, I’m just pointing out that it doesn’t exactly work perfectly for everyone.

3D is a gimmick. A shiny, increasingly effective one, but a gimmick nonetheless.  Filmmaking shouldn’t be about gimmicks. If there’s anything we should learn from William Castle’s B-movies it’s that 3D, invisible ghosts and vibrating seats do not good movies make.  Gimmicks don’t redeem awful films, they just con suckers into paying more to see them.

On a related note, check out this article on the ‘Marvel Super Heroes 4D’ attraction at Madam Tusseauds London.  Yes, the ‘4D’ bit threw me too. Does everyone get given a dagger of time that lets them rewind the attraction as they please? No. The 4^th D is “water [and] airjets” that blast the audience. Er. Unless I’m mistaken, that’s not 4D. Methinks the spokesperson needs to do more research into their Ds.

Wow, take a look at what is in store for us next week:

All I can think right now is what if something happens to me during the week and I can’t see how this all pans out?

Sci-Fi UK have sent out a cheeky little clip/trailer for the upcoming V series.  You can view it below.

The UK TV premiere of V comes to SCI FI on Tuesday 13th April with a 2-episode double bill from 10pm.

Spock On is the name of today’s geeky tee from the guys over at teefury.com

Again the shirt is for sale at the same low price as the What Would John Locke Do tee of $9

I’ve recently started planning my wedding to a fellow sci-fi/fantasy geek, whom I’ve shared the past seven wonderful years with (Happy Anniversary, sweetie!).  We certainly intend on making certain elements of the blessed event geek-tastic, but it got me thinking: how far do some die hard fans take it?  I decided to investigate.

Geeky Wedding Ceremonies:

The possibilities are virtually endless.  Typing “geeky weddings” into Google image search brought up thousands of terrific results from the special days of geeks around the world.  From a lightsaber salute honoring the bride and groom, to “I do”s by your nearest ordained Klingon, themed wedding ceremonies seemed to be a classic sci-fi staple for geeky couples.

The most interesting example I found was a hardcore Star Wars wedding.  The groom was fully dedicated to being Admiral Ackbar, complete with mask, the couple was married by Slave Leia, and most of the wedding party were dressed in some kind of far, far away galaxy garb.  And check out that epically cool cake!

Geeky Wedding Cakes:

The sugary, delicious confection that takes center stage at most weddings can now be designed to the strictest of specifications.  Most brides still go with the traditional ivory tiered cake, but the bells and whistles are just a bit fancier.  Geeks have a whole new range to think about when it comes to designing their wedding cake.  Maybe a diorama of the original Enterprise, or the One Up mushrooms from Mario.  There are plenty of ideas to be had, as well as a variety of action figure cake toppers.

I personally like this Stargate cake topper.  I just don’t see enough of those.

Geeky Wedding Rings:

It’s now possible to display your eternal geeky love on your sacred fingers with themed wedding sets.  In my search, I came across rings featuring USB ports, binary, and my favorite, elvish.  The beautiful scrawling script on the “One Ring” is now available on many rings for purchase for that special day.  I happen to find elvish very pleasing to the eye, and since it’s actually a real language, you can inscribe whatever loving phrase your heart desires.

Anyone else getting married soon? Are you keeping the geek in your nuptials? I wonder how many Avatar themed weddings will pop up this year… lets just hope the blue body paint doesn’t get out of hand.

The guys over at Teefury have brought a “What Would John Locke Do?” t-shirt for today’s offering. For the next 10 hours you too (yes, I jumped at the chance) can get one of these t-shirts for your very own for only $9 or if you want it shipped to the UK, like me, it works out at $18 or £11.59… Bargain!

Check out the t-shirt below:

And then get yourself ordering before they are all sold out.

At one point, we’ve all been totally immersed in that far off place of geeky wonder. It’s a world described in the pages of our favorite book, or brought to life so vividly with cinema magic. Tolkien gave us such a place with his beloved book series Lord of the Rings and its descriptive Middle Earth. Who can deny a longing to live among the elves of Rivendell, or eat second breakfast with the Hobbits of the Shire? Peter Jackson’s movie adaptation made the dream a little more tangible, but what if it were possible to actually live in Middle Earth? There are certainly good reasons to look at its land as prime real estate: the plentiful fields of Hobbiton, the beautiful Misty Mountains, and the exciting Mines of Moria. Oh, wait…sore subject.

Here are some things to keep in mind before settling down in Middle Earth.

The Eye of Sauron is a Peeping Tom

Yep, the big bad. The head hancho. The big eye in the sky. All that Sauron left behind sits atop Mordor, surveying the goings-on of Middle Earth. As a potential resident, you should be aware that Sauron gets a little bored with his immediate surroundings. Can you blame him? I wouldn’t want to stare at a bunch of sweaty Orcs all day, either. So don’t be surprised if he shows up in your bathroom mirror or the water in your kitchen sink. He’s just curious.

Height Rules in the Shire
It’s well established by now that Hobbits are a bit vertically challenged. If you go visit the Shire, you may stick out like a sore thumb…or a giant. And giants are way more powerful than a bunch of little guys. Even if they banded together, they’re pretty much only at knee level: perfect for kicking or smacking on top the head if they get out of hand. No one is condoning the enslavement of the peaceful Hobbits, but a hostile height take over might just be the kind of buyers incentive you’re looking for.

Gollum is your Bi-Polar Neighbor
Whenever you move to a new neighborhood, there’s always a part of you that’s worried about who’s living there already. Middle Earth has a variety of kindly folks. The Baggins have a long family history; the Elves have been around, well, forever, and you might want to avoid the Urak-Hai all together. If luck would have that you move in next to a balding guy in a loincloth, then things might get a little unpredictable. Gollum, or Smeagol depending on the day, talks a lot about losing something precious. He gurgles a lot, too. He may come over to offer you some freshly caught fish and get to chatting, but you’ll notice that most of the conversation is with himself. In fact, you might feel like he’s plotting to kill you most of the time. Word to the wise: don’t wear any gold jewelry around him, or things might get ugly.