I must preface this piece with the following, as it is quite well-deserved: Timothy Olyphant, you are amazing. You look so different in every single film, and you get into each part so well that I often don’t even realize you’re playing the (super hot) protagonist until I run to IMDB. You are a fantastic actor, and I applaud you. Oh, and I must reiterate the utter and complete hotness. Seriously. You are unbelievably hot. Call me.

I was looking forward to seeing the Crazies for a long, long time. For those not already aware, this incarnation of the film is actually a remake of a version released in 1973. It’s been moved from Pennsylvania to Iowa, but it is, in fact, a remake.

The Crazies is about how incredibly stupid and incompetent the government can be.

Semi-spoilers may follow.

Politics aside, the government manages to royally screw up the transportation of a biological weapon (for which it apparently royally screwed up the creation of a vaccine or a treatment). It then proceeds to screw up its incredibly stupid transportation fiasco.

For the benefit of humanity, I had a research chemist who actually handles hazardous substances put together a “how-to” manual for secret government programs that unleash diseases on their own populations because they apparently hire complete idiots. I call it “Biowarfare Oopsies for Dummies.”

An Idiots’ Guide to Contain Your Abominable Biological Weapon’s Accidental Release (Podunk Town Edition)

Step 1: If you’re going to set up roadblocks and have a way to tell if people are contaminated, have medical checkpoints at each block. If not, then replace would-be medical stations with (discreetly placed) sniper towers. If you want to be extra paranoid, Torch grassy or woodsy areas at the perimeter and use helicopters and troops all around. Remember, people have the magical ability to travel off-road using a technique called “walking.”

Step 2: If you decide to cut off communication, there area a few key points to keep in mind. No information will be leaked, or gained for that matter, by airing “Deal or No Deal,” “Family Guy,” or “Jersey Shore.” For cell-phones and computers, you have two options. Just hotwire some P.O.S. pick-up trucks and fake some drunk fishermen or high school kids running their trucks into the town’s only cell phone tower and/or phone lines. I mean, Baton Rouge lost power AND cell phone service temporarily just because their were four freaking inches of snow on the ground.

Step 3: DON’T CAUSE A PANIC OR RIOT! Kindly call for a town meeting, and in small towns, word spreads like wildfire. Once everyone is gathered together, tell them that swine flu has mutated and is now “Wombat Flu” or “Platypus Flu.” DON’T SAY IT’S AIRBORNE! People will just go nuts. All residents need to be checked to make sure they don’t spread it to the people around them. If you mention causing a pandemic, people will freak out, but it’ll be a lot more difficult to control them. Set up medical posts with vans around the city. Everyone will want to be checked for the “Wombat Flu” just in case (think of it the way we all respond to tetanus shots). That’s the time to administer your vaccine or cure if for some reason you are not stupid enough to have created a bioweapon without even considering human consequences.

Step 4: . All positive results should be told that they have atleast 1 of 3 symptoms. Tell their families not to worry, and they need to be transported to a proper medical facility for testing. Tell the families where to meet their loved ones after testing (give them a random place and time with a phone number to a voice recording). Use this “step-by-step testing” to eliminate any individuals necessary AWAY FROM OTHER PEOPLE.
Rule of Thumb: People being shot + Random bystanders = RIOT!

Step 5: Act like door to door salesmen and not SWAT Tactical teams when looking for people. Only shoot people trying to leave the city or if being hostile. If anarchy breaks out in the city, hold the perimeter and they will probably kill themselves off in a few days or be infected. Same results.

Step 6: Sit tight, kick back, and stop any people trying to leave the city for a week. Secret sweeps of the area. Nothing big so people will come outside in plain view. They will think the army has left. The more stress and danger people perceive, the more creative they’ll get in inventing ways to get out of the area.

This is Pearce again. There were way too many logical issues with the film for me to accept the government’s strategy, which is exactly why I can’t let this go. I mean, you don’t tell people to proceed in an orderly fashion and then stick ‘em all behind a fence and shoot a few of them. Plus, if you’re going to say it’s airborne, why are you SETTING BODIES ON FIRE? You do that if it’s spread through fluid or rats or whatever. On top of that, if it’s airborne, you don’t have Sergeant Gruff Chewing on a Cigar cruisin’ around town in his humvee with the air conditioning running while not wearing an air mask.

And to all you townsfolk looking to walk out of town because the military blew up your cars, why are you walking down the middle of the one highway that runs through your town….with empty fields on either side in clear weather with visibility of a few miles. They have eyes, you know.

The Bermuda Triangle is one of the most fascinating combinations of mystery, folk law and bizarre coincidences on the planet. It’s about time a high end horror was produced inspired by it. And that’s the niche “Triangle” fills.

Even if the name refers to the yacht… not the triangle.

The film begins in what seems to be a fairly random sequence from the past, one which gives absolutely nothing away but still leaves you feeling chilled. The child’s fear, something which has been cleared away, the mother’s continuing appearance of not being quite there keeps everything slightly uneasy from the start, despite the higher tone of the cruise they set out on.

The basic story of the first third of the film is about the cruise, a freak storm which capsizes their boat and washes away one of their number, and their subsequent jump onto a cruise liner which steams past nearby. Now this isn’t an episode of Lost, they can’t fill the film with references and expect the audience to look it up later. As such it gets a little artistic licence. The ship is found to be called Aeolus (Greek keeper of the winds) and was around in 1932. What’s more however, in this mythology Aeolus is also given the role of Sisyphus, a Greek King who cheated death by chaining it. As punishment he was forced to for eternity roll a rock up a great mountain, only to watch it roll back down again. Hint – Repeating storyline – Hint. The film continues to get more bizarre as fleeting figures are seen in the halls, splitting the party as they run after them, and the slightly strange Jess begins to recognise things, the corridors, her own keys dumped on the floor… but no one believes her. In fact it’s fairly difficult for us to. Oh and don’t forget, there’s mirrors, mirrors everywhere. You’re going to see a lot of Jess!

The opening scenes are a little dull for a horror flick, but don’t worry, it moves on fast.

Things steadily get creepier (Remember, this film is British) to the point you’re sitting itching for something to happen. There’s blood on the floor, the food’s rotting in fast forward. Everyone’s split up. Don’t worry, you won’t be disappointed. There’s a lot of deaths within a few minutes. In fact you’ll be swept up in the weird pacing. Within only twenty minutes on the ship an entire film has played out, complete with climactic ending sequence. However there’s a reason for this, and a clue as to what’s going on. “You have to kill them, have to kill them. You have to kill them to get out.” But if you expect them to give anything away, keep waiting! Things only get weirder from here.

But unfortunately, so does the acting. When you’re friend is shot by someone, is your reaction to shove them, call them a B**** and then let them past? All the emotions are a bit weirdly portrayed, and turn up at the oddest moments. Even factoring in that one of the characters seems to be insane, and the others are just plain confused in addition to their misery, it seems unnatural and hardly helps the audience connect.

Mirrors are seen again and again, and there’s a reason for it

The same can be said of the horror clichés. Blood writing on the mirror… more mirrors, killer in a sack hood, the fall from innocence to experience of the killer themselves. Again for the coincidences, every now and then you have to think, “wouldn’t they, with the slightly different circumstances, have done something different? Not hit that pipe? Not killed that person?” I may be thinking as a cynic here but it does seem to push you from the movie, make you see it as a member of an audience rather then a part of the action.

But on the other hand… this is all balanced out. The mirror imagery ties it all together (the broken mirror in the cloakroom is a great touch), the gradual revelation of the motives of the killer, the tie-backs into every bit of the story until it’s complete.

Prepare to see some scenes more than once

When I say complete… I mean everything ties together, I don’t mean it’ll make sense. The revolving storyline seems to start in the revolver and never really come out either end. Essentially the story has no beginning or end, and trying to work out how it started or how it finishes is a waste of time, because it doesn’t. This is a film you have to watch with a feel of suspended reality, give a little cynicism away so that the writers can drag you off on this odd tale, one you’re left wondering if it really happened at all, and may walk out of the room wanting a bar of chocolate or a cup of tea, something reliable!

The film is a good one, if a little odd, and has been fine-tuned well. The eerily innocent piano, again a tie point of the film, clashes with the dirty and old feel of the corridors of the ship. It can be said the writers took it too far with dragging the action from the ship back to land at the end of the film, but that’s not to say the rest of the film is excellent. And in true British style, leaves you suspended as if you expect the film to run through once more. In fact, why don’t you do that, ties in fine as an extension of the first time and you’ll get to notice all those little touches you missed the first time round.

PS. Also, it inspires one of my favourite movie posters!

3/5
B

The last few years, it seems ever since the runaway success of Juno, we have been swamped by flicks based on the characters of awkward 90s American teens. Which suits us over this side of the water fine, as we’re not so different afterall. All of geekdom has poured out in praise of films celebrating people just like them, and Zombieland is no exception.

Although this isn’t reeeaally a sci-fi movie, and is only barely a horror movie, I felt it needed a review to itself anyway. After all it hit #1 on the film charts and has enough zombies in it to fill Dawn of the Dead. But it is, I admit, at heart, a teen comedy more along the lines of Superbad than the British great 28 Days Later. But nevermind.

The inserted rules are fairly funny and will be familiar things in a new format for zombie apocalypse film enthusiasts

As with many films of this genre, the opening of the film is a self-reflective piece, giving you an introduction to the life of this lonely, awkward, pubescent American teenager. What’s unusual is this self reflective piece is an incredibly amusing sequence of him running circles round zombies reciting to us his common-sense rules of surviving in a world populated by zombies. Rules such as double-tap (that all self-respecting geeks would understand on hearing), cardio (the exact opposite) and wearing a seatbelt seem fairly minor given his predicament. But you begin to understand them as he carries out the execution of a douzen flesh-devouring creatures without so much as breaking a sweat. This is where Eisenberg shines through. He is challenging Michael Cera for the role of greatest virginal pubescent teenager and there’s a reason for it, he pulls it off extremely well. Not only does the role seem to come naturally to him, but he acts it extremely well, every emotion is realistic, every motive evident, every piece of dialogue felt and seen. There really is no faulting him, except that he’s not Michael Cera.

When in doubt, a cowboy with a grudge and a hella lot of guns is an instant success

…and then give him a banjo… just look at that look of concentration

The story develops with the addition of an amusingly stereotypical new-age cowboy and two teen girls, of which the eldest is the average geek’s wildest dream… probably why she also started in a similar role in Superbad. Together, despite their ups and downs, they struggle their way through in a world overrun, including an incredibly funny cameo by Bill Murray. This cast provides an excellent character selection for the film, with just the right number of characters to allow us to connect and yet keep us interested.

The storyline is a little odd, they are after all aiming to end up in a theme park, which seems to be more of a plot device for the ending than to actually make sense, though the cynic may see this as a ploy by the elder of the two sisters to keep her younger sibling’s hopes high… a little bit difficult to push to whilst watching a comedy movie. Bill Murray’s cameo, though funny, does send off logic on a little bit of a run. Again however, it is a comedy, and needs to be seen in this respect, and not taken too seriously.

What scary-ness the zombies have is removed by the amusing ways in which they are killed

Technically the movie is fine. Camera-work is ok, music is unnoticeable but does add to the film’s feel. Editing is again ok, a few more scenes could have been trimmed a little. Make-up again fine, making the zombies undead but not too scary. The addition of the “rules” system used by Columbus is clever and inserted well. Overall there’s nothing exceptional about it but also… there’s nothing wrong at all. This film makes no mistakes. I always try and keep a fair balance in my reviews and find things to say “well, but THIS wasn’t that great”, but here I just… can’t. Zombieland simply didn’t do anything wrong enough to put off the average audience. If you’re not a fan of comedy? It has its serious moments. Not a fan of emotional moments? It’s mostly comedy. Not a fan of zombies? They’re not even scary. To the point where half the time they leave me in stitches, including an amazing scene with a piano.

Zombieland crashed in with high critical reviews and ended up overtaking every other zombie classic in gross intake… and for once the agreement with both is an agreement for all. This is an exceptional movie if you stick to it, and together with Shaun of the Dead, proves Zombies are as successful in comedy as in horror. It manages to do plenty right, but with nothing wrong, and that proves to be good enough to make a movie I’d willingly watch over and over.

4/5
A

Sunshine is one of those films which isn’t quite sci-fi. In the disaster-movie vein of other blockbusters such as The Day after Tomorrow and 2012, a few individuals face against nature to prevent the end of the world. However, set in the depths of inter-planetary space, it doesn’t get to rely on over-the-top CGI disasters to provide the action, only using them at the most opportune of moments. Instead it produces an efficient and comprehensive character study of the crew of this apocalypse-preventing ship, and what it would be like to be sent into the stars for years. Not a film for the average film goer, but for the thriller fan, the mind games fan or the pretty shiny lights fan, it will be up there in your top #.

The film premise is simple. The Earth relies on the sun for life. The Sun is dying. The Earth will die. We need to turn the sun back on. Simple! So they send out a ship with a fairly hefty payload of nuclear material to turn it on again. However, that’s not what the film is about. The film is set in the last stint of the epic journey, years into their voyage, when the crew starts feeling the strain. It turns into a psychological drama, and as the crew is whittled down in various incidents it goes further, into a thriller come slasher moments in one of the most dramatic genre shifts I’ve yet to see. In fact it happens so fast it took me at least five minutes to work out what was going on. But I think that was the point.

The genre shift really gives you a big shock, but it may have been a little too late.

Throughout the movie the director puts you right where you need to be, in the mindset of the characters. The sets are simple and claustophobic, the speech is limited to what is absolutely necessary and the cameras placed so you feel less like an outside observer and more like another one of the crew, silently getting on with things in the background to the main discussions and drama. The camera work is impecable, continuing to give a sense of realism to the film, as even those scenes one the outside look as if they have been captured by a piece of observation equiptment rather than some omniscient presence as with most epics.

Even during those “ooo aah” moments of modern CGI, you feel like an observer standing in the same room.

The plot is very well structured to immerse you in the characters and yet still have an escalating sence of urgency. The two main disasters of the trip are both examples of the routine, aided by a mistake or misjudgment or two, going horrifically wrong. That’s the best thing about the movie, it could happen. Although the later genre shift later also brings with it improbability, you are so swept away in the moment you barely get a chance to breate and start criticising it. If, like me, you had no idea how things were happening, you were on the right track. You weren’t supposed to. The film didn’t attempt to explain things to you that you wouldn’t know having been just dumped in the ship half way through the mission and yet gives you enough to kind of work out what bits do what, why that’s there, and why they’re all absolutely screwed when things go wrong.

The atmosphere of the film was excellent, claustophobic when you needed it, mind numbingly huge the rest of the time

However, not all is fine and dandy with this film. The beginning and end are shabby tag-ons to attempt to further the emotional concept of the film, instead only distancing you from the crew, where you’re supposed to be. Lets face it, none of us have the faintest conception of how big the world is, let alone space, we were more comfortable with the ship, which we can imagine the proportions of, than the doom of a planet. Some of the characters were needlessly irritating and some didn’t seem to have much purpose on the ship at all, seeing as they are whittled down everything still seems to work fine. Also the genre shift, no matter how efficiently it’s done and how it makes everything a little more exciting and urgent, does mean that you loose the feel set up by the first three-quarters of the film, which is a shame. The first section of the film is a little dull, but I suppose that’s needed for escalation.

I’m finding it quite difficult to understand what exactly is wrong with Sunshine. It is, as I was watching it and as I look back on it, a good film. It had all the right elements, characters were well explored, CGI was great, camera work and music was great, setting was very good… but it’s just not a great film. Good concept, and well adapted, but maybe just not meant for a film. A book maybe, but not a film. It doesn’t grasp you, it doesn’t shake you around like you’d expect from modern blockbusters. It occasionally bumps you, roles your mind around a bit, but no in-your-face screaming to make you pay attention. It’s a film you can have in the background as you do something more important. Bit of a shame really.

… but it was still pretty damn good. Watch it, even if you are chatting to your mate or playing scrabble at the same time (who knows).

4/5

Resident Evil as a franchise is one of the most successful genre game series there is, whether it could survive in films was confirmed by both the original and by Apocalypse. Making a third, although using a tried and tested method capitalised upon by DOOM, had its risks of being caught by sequelitis, the horrible disease which eventually afflicts and drags down franchises that don’t know when to stop.

The film is essentially the same as any before it. Super person vs. Zombies, super person wins, eventually. Until either killed off by a sequel or the Zombies disappointingly are gone. However this time, it’s even more doom-full then before, pretty much everyone has died and from zombie horror the movie has transformed to post-apocalyptic thriller. A confusing start giving you flashbacks on the first of the series is followed by a dull, emotionless introduction by the main actress herself, Milla Jovovich. Let’s be honest, she’s better doing cool flips and cutting up weird mutants then she is at the sparse bits of dialogue she has to struggle her way through.

Ok ok, she is one of the coolest and sexiest heroines on screen, unless you’ve seen Underworld…

The film centres around miss impossible joining a group of survivors, trekking across the west of America looking for anyone left, with a few crazy zombie… or zombie crow… scenes thrown in.

Worryingly the Zombie Crows were the scariest part of the film

As with every film of it’s type, RE3 relies upon so many cool scenes that even if the film were to be absolute throw-it-in-the-fire trash you’d be able to remember those scenes to recount to your mates for years, to the point all you can remember is them, and suddenly think “I want to see them again!” And in this category, as with it’s predecessors, it does remarkably well. From the “Sorry Stevie” opening to the final words it gives you plenty of moments to smile at and want to quote or mime at any possible opportunity. However, sometimes you’re just left thinking “well why didn’t she just do the funky flamey thing again”. The film didn’t ever really set a pace of increasing “cool” to keep you satisfied, after a bit you find ordinary fighting just plain boring.

And I’ll admit, the girl in aviators was both hotter and cooler then the main character, which took away her thunder a little. I’ve always been someone for a lass with a shotgun.

The cool fire thingy… if only she had just kept doing it the film would have been a lot shorter

However, maybe I’m being a little harsh. The fight scenes are pretty cool, in fact very cool. They’re just not as good as they could be. There isn’t a sense of escalating intensity like there should be. That is until the big baddie starts sprouting tentacles… The rhythmical music makes the fights even more high-adrenaline then they already are and adds something resembling urgency to the occasional image of emotionless faces as they face up another enemy, somewhat of a saving grace for those moments.

Attempting to include too many characters resulted in an under-exploration of the main ones.

As much as this film is supposed to be slightly tongue-in-cheek, the evil genius behind it all is just too much of an evil genius. There is no character exploration, no doubts, he is needlessly cruel with no background reason… to his own scientists. And this doesn’t stop here, it is true of almost all the characters. The acting is shabby, dialogue poorly written and clichéd, character relationships shallow or unexplored at all. I know this is a game-based horror sequel but a little effort would have gone a long way to improve the non-action sequences. Most of these are taken up bull the dull actionless and dialogue-dumbed travelling through the middle section of the film, followed by the similar lack of intensity in the psyche up for the last fight, which included some almost despairingly fake crying.

The final fight is equally disappointing, no cloud of flames, just a clone with a keyboard. The final boss manages to last a grand total of five minutes weirdly interchanging between. Animal roars and completely unaltered vocals, which jars you out of the moment somewhat. What’s worse is that immediately before the film does away with all the unnecessary characters it introduced in the first place, leaving you with no idea what happens to them at all.

After such successes as the first two of the series, and other game-based horrors DOOM and Silent Hill, this film was a disappointment. It stuck to a formula which had been perfected already and failed to hit the par of what game fans would be looking for. On the plus side, the ending was a perfect lead up to a much more spectacular sequel. But once sequalitis has been caught, it might never go away.

I was excited about this film the moment the trailer began. When I saw that Sam Neill was one of the actors, I was bouncing up and down in my seat. I absolutely love Sam Neill; he stars in one of my favorite film of all time (In the Mouth of Madness).

While Lionsgate didn’t give nearly enough support to Repo! The Genetic Opera, I give them kudos for taking part in this film. Daybreakers takes the vampire concept and takes an entirely different look at it. The vampires have all of the traditional hallmarks – mercifully, there is no sparkling or vampire baseball.

Daybreakers‘ vampires cannot be seen in mirrors, burst into flames in the sun, and can be killed with wooden stakes or by beheading. In this world, vampirism has overtaken almost the entire human population. By 2019, society has had a decade to adjust to vampire life. People wear suits, go to work, and to a certain extent lead what is simply an inverted version of today’s daily lifestyle. They have adapted cars and walkways to allow for daytime travel if necessary; cars are modified with tinting that can be adjusted to complete opacity, and a “subwalk” is available below the city to allow people to walk around without ending up extra crispy.

The film also tackles the issue of dwindling fuel, much as we concern ourselves with fossil fuels today. Of course, by “fuel” in this case, I in fact mean “human blood.” With most of the population turned to vampires, a strong effort has been put forth to find some sort of blood substitute. In the meantime, humans who are found are generally placed in what seems to be a state of unconsciousness and “farmed” for their blood. Judging by the physical appearance of the women being used as a food source, the vampires also artificially inseminate in hopes of staving off starvation. The farms look a bit like something out of the Matrix, although they’re a bit more utilitarian and disturbing. Presumably, these humans are not living out some simulated life, either.

Daybreakers takes on a number of different subjects in its attempts to mirror the world to which you and I are accustomed. The government and the blood supply industry are very strongly intertwined, and Sam Neill gives a fantastic performance as a self-interested blood company executive. I love an imposing businessman, and vampire Sam Neill is perfect.

Ethan Hawke’s performance is good for the role, although it doesn’t display any particularly impressive points. On the other hand, Willem Dafoe is definitely good for a laugh as the Elvis-quoting former vampire who, through a freak accident, was “cured.” He hopes to gather humans together in a safe place, and he and his group seek out vampires who are sympathetic toward their cause while simultaneously doing everything they can to rescue the few humans who are left running from the vampire army, which is tasked with hunting and capturing humans for the aforementioned food supply. He also makes for great vampire Willem Dafoe flashbacks.

At any rate, the plot wastes no time in getting straight to the point. It’s not the most absolutely amazing film I’ve ever seen, and I wouldn’t rate it up there with In the Mouth of Madness, but it’s a solid vampire movie that manages to avoid the cheesiness of the five other vampire films that first spring to mind (Twilight excluded). To be honest, I don’t think I’ve had higher praise for a vampire movie in a long, long time.

I love a good post-apocalyptic tale. Whenever I see a blighted wasteland, burnt out cars and gangs of scavengers shooting at each other in the decimated crumbling ruins of civilisation I know I’m in for a good time.  So I’m naturally very excited about The Book of Eli … which I probably can’t find someone to go with me to watch until the exam season ends. Bummer.

So, in lieu of a review of the hottest new post-apocalyptic film since The Road came out last week, I’ve been playing lots of Fallout 3 – and I found and watched this little ’70s gem from the mind of master science fiction writer Harlan Ellison.

A Boy and His Dog is the story of young Vic, a frankly horrible young man, and his telepathic relationship with his business partner, a dry and sarcastic dog named Blood. As they scour the wasteland scavenging, Vic keeps Blood fed while Blood educates him in history and grammar and sniffs out what Vic is primarily after. Being a horny 18-year old boy, Vic is primarily after women.

Don’t be fooled by the wisecracking dog, this is no family film. The unfortunate reality of the film is it is pretty damned misogynist.  Obviously it was made in the 70’s when feminism was on the rise rather than the norm, but approaching the film with a 2010 mindset leaves you somewhere between horrified and amused at its rather quaint attitude towards women. It’s implied that in the harsh wasteland women are considered to be property, as much a currency as food, and Vic is hardly looking for companionship from them. He’s rude, crude, abrasive and spends nearly the whole story thinking with his trousers rather than with his head.  The film and most of its characters are preoccupied with sex almost to the point of obsession. The main female character is a manipulative woman who uses her body and Vic’s attraction to her to get what she wants, and parts of the film are fairly sordid.

Vic and Blood, on the hunt for food and lurve.

The latter half or so finds Vic falling in with a subterranean society run by a sinister committee. The pacing starts to flag a bit here though the revelation of why they need Vic and how they intend to use him does provide a certain amount of amusement.  The ending also raises a chuckle as Vic is faced with a choice that frankly I didn’t find difficult at all. He does exactly what I’d have done in that situation, too, which probably means I’m a sociopath – but hey, what can I say? I’d do anything to save MY dog.

For the most part, the film’s an enjoyable if slow-burning portrayal of the plight of post-apocalyptia. Harsh environment, scarce food, nothing to watch in the junktown cinema but a porn film. The highlight of the whole film, though, is the relationship between uncouth and scruffy Vic and worldweary Blood.  They rely on each other to survive much more than they’d care to admit and at times it’s quite touching to watch.  This doesn’t help you like Vic any more, but then I’m not sure you’re meant to.

The future is grim, folks.  Start hoarding those bottlecaps, go get yourself a canine companion and start stocking up on tinned goods. Then you’ll get a good head start.

For those who aren’t privy to my Facebook and Twitter rants, my last non-family related vacation was invaded by the filming of what at the time was called Final Destination 4 (in 3D!). It effectively shut down half of Universal Studios, and it became nearly impossible to figure out how to get where I wanted to go. Needless to say, I treated the crew to a death glare as I tried to calm down over a turkey sandwich.

All right. In keeping with the latest of film fads, the installment was renamed “The Final Destination.” The. That means it’s the only one, right? Well, since there have already been three, each more awful than the last, “The Final Destination” should be the end of the series. Oh, let it be so.

I forced myself to sit down and view this film when it came on demand to my cable company. I will describe it here so that you may satisfy your curiosity without subjecting yourselves to its soul-crushing awfulness.
It’s a Final Destination movie, so there has to be a big accident in the beginning. And everybody’s gonna die. How do they kill off the cast this time? Well, after some very ridiculous attempts at “character introduction,” everyone is impaled, crushed, or otherwise killed when a NASCAR race somehow goes awry (after the Annoying Bad Hair Guy of the group of friends mentioned that he only goes to races to see crashes – ha ha ha, Final Destination. Ha). The Sympathetic Caring Boyfriend gets the vision this time, and thanks to him, Cheesy Girlfriend, Annoying Bad Hair Guy, and Probably the Slut are spared along with Cowboy, Angry Nazi, Nazi’s Wife, some couple with kids, and Black Security Guard. Well, okay. To be fair, it’s a little more original…Nazi’s Wife gets smashed by a flying tire after they think they’re all safe.

I watched this in 2D, but it’s very obvious that it was meant for 3D shocks and blood spatters. It’s simply another excuse to beat, impale, and set fire to the dead horse that is tortureporn under the guise of continuing what started as a tolerable movie concept.

This one starts off a little like the very first Final Destination. People are weirded out that Sympathetic Caring Boyfriend saw what was going to happen, and at the memorial service everyone decides to stop by and ask him how he knew. Oh, and Nazi Guy gets to drop some N-bombs just so that we’ll hate him a little more. Then come various “ominous” happenings…and because he’s now the most-developed character in the film, Angry Nazi has to die. Just in case we don’t hate him enough, he dies after getting drunk, listening to death metal, and then deciding to erect a flaming cross on Black Security Guard’s front lawn…resulting in some strange tow truck accident that somehow gets him burned alive while being dragged down the street. I see what you did there, Final Destination. A veritable Aesop’s fable. Hooray.

Cue the played out Final Destination plotline: survivors continue to perish one by one. In this film though, the filmmakers decide to make the deaths as graphic and juicy as possible, and believe it or not, they manage to make the “foreshadowing” even more painfully blatant. Even better, Death has now developed powers greater than the mere “unlikely series of events” or “conveniently placed breeze.” Death is now telekinetic, capable of making cans of hairspray drag across flat tabletops for absolutely no reason.

At any rate, I could continue with a blow-by-blow of gory deaths, but the plot pretty much follows the others. The only difference is that Sympathetic Caring Boyfriend figures it out a little more quickly than anyone in the previous films did, so on with the show of attempting to cheat death some more!

With extra blood and guts. I cannot emphasize that enough. Did these filmmakers not get the memo that the tortureporn fad mercifully ended years ago? What possessed someone to smash together that dated fad with the new Hot Movie Gimmick of 3D?

Other points of blood and guts “originality” include a death similar to something found in a Chuck Palhanuik story, (if anyone besides me remembers the story of the kid who liked to sit on the grate at the bottom of his pool), a guy who’s actually okay with the idea of dying, and an attempted suicide….or rather, a series of failed attempts at suicide, and an attempt at a joke about three-dimensional films.

This plot manages to seem even more half-assed than Final Destination 3, if one can comprehend such a thing. In fact, it’s so half-assed that I can’t even properly describe it without wandering around like an out-of-town drunk in the French Quarter. Please, people, don’t let my sacrifice be in vain. Do not subject yourselves to this travesty of “entertainment.”

Surrogates was a film which performed well at the box office, and received mixed reviews. But one that no one talked about. Why? Because it’s been done before. The surrogate concept is similar to the cyber existence in The Matrix. The advanced robots, and clean environment is from I, Robot. The lone man escaping the system to show its flaws is from The Minority Report.

The film does not start amazingly well, copying the beginnings of The Minority Report and Catwoman in it’s news broadcast format. It makes you tone out of the movie, the only thing that popped into my head is that walking around as a robot would make airport security a pain in the ass. The story seems to fixate on using “surrogates”, robots you control and feel the sensations of as well, surrogates to yourself. You can do whatever you like in them, look prettier, do prettier stuff, and die if you feel like it. But then some motorcyclist (not very original) puts some buzz device to the head of the inventor of surrogacy’s son and kills not only his surrogate, but also fries his brain. Bad news, a mistake in the system… just like Minority Report…

However, things swiftly become more and more original, maybe in the same feel as the above films, but in a unique vein. Again its the moral consequences of advanced technology which becomes the emphasis, but unlike the above films, this is much closer to reality and the present. The sudden moral importance of humans against surrogates becomes apparent in a hostage scene in which a human is held hostage, preventing the usual tactic of simply rushing hostage takers, confusing the FBI. Bruce Willis, alone as a “meatbag” in a city filled with the surrogates controlled by those like himself suddenly is the physical inferior to every normal passer by, a far cry from his Die Hard series.

Up until the final confrontation the plot is actually fairly good. Believable, original…ish, and nice and centred upon a few characters. Then it blows all out proportion. The bad guy’s reasons are shabby, it becomes almost global in proportion to the point of almost Bond-esque absurdity. Except with Bond it was pulled off because it was what was expected, here it comes out of no where, and in no way does it pull it off. Though you do get to see the rather funny image of hundreds of surrogates simply falling on their faces. Funny, however, may not have been the desired effect.

Willis pulls off both a good shabby old man and a good youngster fairly impressively… but not great.

Some of the visuals however, are simply great and only something they could have built on this storyline, watching bodies pile up on the bonnet of a speeding car, all simply looking confused at their predicament is something which you will never see anywhere else. But again, its something that makes you smile, not wince. The director seems to have missed the point of making the moral question the important part of the movie. It makes you detached from it all, like the .50 cal scene in Rambo.

The acting and soundtrack don’t really add to anything at all. You get what you expect from Willis and the other top class acts, but nothing special. Some actors pull off being robots pretty damn well, in today’s film atmosphere that could score them a lot of roles. The soundtrack was usual atmospheric classical pieces which you don’t even notice until you concentrate. In fact that pretty much describes the film, nothing special. There is no way in which it stands out, nothing memorable (except the amusing nameless surrogates swept up in things), no dramatic finale. It just kind of… fizzled out.

The human “rebellion” just seemed pretty pointless, mostly just one granny with a gun. Also more amusing then I think it was supposed to be.

The writers went from a great idea to becoming out of their depth trying to match the desire for the epic nature they think all audiences have. The director took an enthusiastic swing… and missed the point of the movie entirely. Even failing to find a single flaw in the supposedly failed society which can give visual clues to its collapse. The human rebellion is almost brushed aside only half way into the movie and becomes so insignificant they may as well just have avoided mentioning them, streamlined it a little.

The plot went far further then it should have done. Unfortunately Minority Report did it better, stick to one city.

If you enjoyed this film half way in, like I did, stop when they reveal the bad guy and save yourself a massive disappointment. It could have been better, shame.

Pandorum was a film which very much passed under the radar of modern sci-fi movies. An interesting blend of hard and soft science fiction set in space, in the doom and gloom filled loneliness only a lone ship can provide. It’s not an uncommon scenario for these movies, and provides a near perfect setting for both the supernatural thriller or the introspective psychological piece. Pandorum makes a must see movie for sci-fi enthusiasts for being an effective combination of both these things.

Starting from the perspective of just two crew, said to be the next shift of duty on the ship, it doesn’t take long for things to gradually go awry. Starting with mechanical error and growing increasingly threatening in atmosphere soon the entire film begins to resemble a survivor horror, and indeed the bulk of the film is. However as far as survivor horrors go, Pandorum doesn’t carry it off very well. It’s not truly a zombie horror and doesn’t really ever give the feel of impending death of any of the main characters. Instead its the more subtle main plot which gives the film its grip over the audience, and it’s the first film out of the US in a while to do this so well, not bludgeoning the audience with every detail of the plot until its impossible they’ve missed anything. Maybe its the German influence.

The chases of the middle of the film do drag on, but are important gaps between the deeper parts of the movie

One of the great things about Pandorum is how things slowly begin to piece themselves together as the film progresses. An attentive audience will not only be watching the intermittent graphic fight scenes and, all too frequent, running franticly down beautifully utilitarian corridors, and the slow but steady additions to what turns out to be a much deeper plot then that unfolding in the present on screen.

The absolute clincher for the film is the atmosphere. From the very beginning the claustrophobic, grimy and mechanical surroundings make you uneasy and make every battle and chase even more panicked. It works equally well to make the setting for Dennis Quaid’s own lonely crisis, trapped in a room only lit by the ominous blue of screens and surrounded by unexplained electronics and pipes. His acting talent makes him an even more sympathetic character, making this portion of the film even more important to the climatic ending.

Quaig’s Payton turns what could have been a dull sideplot into one of the most effective solo performances in modern cinema.

Pandorum doesn’t disappoint in the acting department, both Quaid and Foster make excellent central characters who are masterfully developed through the film. Though Foster may fall a little foul of American Hero stereotypes he is saved by the utter confusion and weakness of the opening of the film. Attempts to weaken the character during the finale fail however, but in the end all films need a hero.

Not all the characters were strictly necessary, and trying to develop them all was a strain on the film’s pace. But somehow it was pulled off.

The finale itself is a confused affair, not giving quite the full satisfaction of the end of the bad guy and leaving a little too much to Hollywood-esque happy endings which would have been much better dealt with by more uncertainty, something which was common to the rest of the film. It was a disappointing finish, but nothing that could knock off the course of a perfectly good film. It is also the only point where CGI was used to replace good camera work, the rest of the film being an artistic triumph striking a perfect atmosphere for the unfolding story. The industrial cacophony of a soundtrack, alone just a mess of noise, becomes an incredible addition to this atmosphere.

The sheer despair of the endless tunnels of the Elysium give the film a spectacular feel.

Pandorum is a good film, far better then the critics gave it credit for and far better then its box office takings take credit for. The audience was satisfied and the science fiction addicts more so. Its about time that someone did science fiction thrillers right. Even better, the subtle plot line and clues towards the ending make watching it a second time even more entertaining, where you can pick up on all the trace signs you missed the first time around. However, it does only appeal to a small audience and mistakes on plot and a few of the characters do spoil what could have been the science fiction thriller of the decade. Its artistry is incredible and its concept flawless, so if you haven’t seen it yet, do.

Grade: B+