Sport of the Future

It seems as if there’s always some sort of sport being shown on TV. Football. Cricket. Snooker. Races of various kinds. Even baseball. Sometimes. On Channel 5. I think. I don’t know, I don’t really watch Channel 5. More importantly, I don’t watch sport. It just doesn’t hold my interest.

What is so fascinating about watching a group of grown men and women competing in such “exciting” and “dynamic” past-times as ‘who can get from point A to point B first’ , ‘who can put the little round thing in the net thing the most times’ and ‘who can make more money than I will ever see in my life in a single day by doing not a whole hell of a lot.’

Ok, so maybe I’m bitter because I was rubbish at sports in school. I was (am) the stereotypical geek who gets picked to be on the team last. I’ve had footballs kicked into face. I’m not very physically fit; my favourite sport at school was ‘500 yard dash to the library’ … well, less dash, saunter.  As such, I never developed the keen appreciation for sport that most of my peers seem to enjoy.  But that certainly doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy a good SciFi sport or two. I have my reasons. And here they are! This is my short list of SciFi sports that I’d pay good money to watch.

5:- Pod Racing – The Phantom Menace

Yes yes yes, Phantom Menace sucks, I know. But you have to admit, the pod racing scene was one of the handful of moments it got right.  Pod racing is essentially the same as any racing sport, but its futuristic setting is what sets it apart from the mundane everyday racing events you can witness in the real world. Why watch some guy on a motorbike zip past you every 20 minutes in the rain when you can sit in the stands under the two suns of Tattooine watching pod-racers take their lives into their hands at blistering speeds? It’s fantastically exotic, attended and performed by a diverse group of aliens that, admit it, you’d kill to rub shoulders with. Except perhaps for Sebulba. He’s a bit of a prat.  It’s rumoured that if you keep your eyes peeled you can spot ET in the crowd, but I’ve yet to see him.

Flashy and dynamic, this is how all F1 races should be – zipping lightning fast through an alien desert with lasers, players sabotaging each others’ vehicles and Tusken Sand Raiders camping out by the side of the pitch to take potshots at the racers.

4:- Death Race – Death Race (well, yes, it would be)

This one’s another race, obviously, but it’s in a whole different league. The vehicles are heavily armoured and highly weaponised – guns, shield, even napalm. Think watching races go horribly wrong on Sport’s Blankiest Blank is entertaining? Imagine watching all-out high-speed vehicular warfare! Sure, the life-expectancy of drivers is incredibly low, but that’s why you get maximum-security convicts to do it.  I suppose the only downside to watching from race-side stands would be the possibility of getting hit in the face by a bit of flying debris. Or set on fire. In the end, you have to ask yourself: is seeing such an incredibly awesome race worth the risk of grievous bodily harm? Of course it is! Probably.

3:- Kal-If-Fee -Star Trek TOS

Now I know that this isn’t a sport; it’s actually a Vulcan custom where a challenger and their challengee battle to the death to settle a grave matter of honour.  Naturally alien cultures need to be respected but if the Vulcans were looking to make a little cash I would buy ringside tickets to this in a heartbeat – and admit it, you would too.  The rousing music! The exciting moves! The vaguely homo-erotic subtext! This event makes boxing and wrestling look like shaking hands and talking about the weather. It’s the archetypal duel to the death, and aren’t those always better live, preferably with popcorn?

2:- Blurnsball – Futurama

Let’s face it, baseball is boring. It’s repetitive – ball pitched to batter, hit, caught by someone. Ball pitched to batter, hit, not caught by someone. Ball pitched to batter, not hit, strike. And batting averages, all those numbers! Yawn. What it needs is a little spicing up. Yes?

Well, good news everyone! In 3000 years time baseball will be a thing of the past, replaced by Blurnsball, a fast-paced and manic game with nonsensical ‘rules’.  Who needs rules, when the sport itself is such a marvellous spectacle!  Sure it’s a little difficult to keep score, especially when the ball goes down the little hole and additional balls are fired all over the place, but it certainly makes it worth leaving the house to attend in person.

1:- Rollerball – Rollerball (naturally)

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This sport has it all!  Exciting gameplay, studded gloves, superstar players and violent savagery. It’s a bit like American Football and a bit like Basketball, with motorcycles, steel balls and violence that makes Ice Hockey look tame by comparison thrown in. Set in a future where war is replaced by violent entertainment, this film’s primarily concerned with corporate skulduggery and the classic ‘lone figure sticking it to the man’. This is the film that James Caan was born to play in, and its subject is a game in which the players are clearly EARNING their massive paycheques. Next time you see a Football player dive to the floor holding his knee and hamming for the camera, spare a thought for the poor fools who play Rollerball.  This game is fast, brutal, compulsive viewing. No wonder the crowds go wild for it.

Honourable mentions:

Lightcycle Races – Tron : Exciting but difficult to get to see in person

Brockian Ultra-Cricket – The Hitchhiker’s Guide series : You can’t see what’s going on but you imagine it must be terribly exciting.

Quidditch – The Harry Potter series : Not SciFi, but I couldn’t not include it in some capacity. Who doesn’t want to see people whizzing around on broomsticks?

The Loony Toons Basketball Game – Space Jam : Just kidding.

Breaking News!

Following an announcement at the Edinburgh International Television Festival by benevolent Who overlord Steven Moffat, the BBC have issued a press release confirming that season 6 of Doctor Who will be split into two parts, with the first part to air in Spring and the second to air in Autumn.

This is at the request of Moffat himself, who states that this move will allow him to craft a story arc that allows for more “event stories” and a potentially-massive mid-season cliffhanger.

On the one hand, this is an intriguing move as it spreads Who out over the year, seemingly giving us more to look forward to. On the other hand, waiting from Christmas until Spring for more Who only to have to wait a few months again after a handful of episodes might prove disappointing. Is it perhaps being spread a little too thin?

As a Steven Moffat fanboy, I have confidence that this move will work out in the end.  Here’s hoping that the mid-season cliffhanger dispels all doubts when it rolls around!

Sources: BBC Press Release

Gallifrey News Base

Is it possible when The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was created, that they had Doc Savage in mind? Let’s look at the characters selected as they appeared in the movie.

Allan Quartermain is a man who enjoys solitude even among a roomful of people. (Sound familiar?) He is a born leader; a man of adventure and the outdoors.

Although Doc is often mired in the “concrete jungle,” he often goes swinging or climbing into action. He was a spider man without the radio-active bite!

The Invisible Man relies on the bending of light to vanish. This is a field that Long Tom would know much about.

Perhaps the Invisible Man also acts out Long Tom’s fantasy when he pinches Nina Harker? Perhaps Long Tom doesn’t dislike women as much as it’s implied?

Nina Harker and Pat Savage are both strong, determined women. They both know how to handle various weapons. While Nina can put the actual bit on someone, Pat tries to stick to Doc like a vampire on its victim. (Smile.)

Dorian Gray and Ham Brooks are both vain about their garments and appearances. Both are expert swordsmen. A sword fight between the two would likely end in a draw.

Dr. Jeckel / Mr. Hyde would undoubtedly meet his match against Monk Mayfair. Both being chemists, both having vast strength, would be equals.

Captain Nemo had helped design and create his submarine as well as other machinery. Renny Renwick has been known to help create various devices as well as design buildings.

Last, but not least, Tom Sawyer. He is a scrapper, loves the outdoors, and is game to make new discoveries. Johnny Littlejohn fits that description as well. Plus Johnny is eager to pick up helpful tips from Doc, as Sawyer is from Quartermain.

So what do you think? Of course I realize Dorian Gray was a villain in the movie, and that wouldn’t be the case with Ham. Otherwise there are lots of parallels.

Norton No Longer To Play The Hulk in Avengers Movie

In a bold move that has got tongues wagging all across the internet, it appears that the iconic role of The Hulk/Bruce Banner will no longer be played by Edward Norton in Joss Whedon’s Avengers movie.

According to entertainment news site Hitfix, Marvel issued the following statement:

“We have made the decision to not bring Ed Norton back to portray the title role of Bruce Banner in the Avengers. Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members. The Avengers demands players who thrive working as part of an ensemble, as evidenced by Robert, Chris H, Chris E, Sam, Scarlett, and all of our talented casts. We are looking to announce a name actor who fulfills these requirements, and is passionate about the iconic role in the coming weeks.” – Kevin Feige, Marvel Studios President of Production.

In response to this rather harshly-worded statement, Edward Norton’s agent issued a rather lengthy retaliation, claiming that Norton was excited about the project and cast, had attended a successful initial meeting with director Joss Whedon and that financial negotiations had been entered into prior to  Marvel’s announcement of their intention to replace him.

Perhaps Edward Norton was getting asked a lot of questions about this, as he put up the following image over at his official Facebook page:

Edward Norton's quiet and dignified statement

Whether the motivation for this is financial or due to creative differences, one thing is clear – fans have not been pleased by this turn of events. The ongoing filmic saga of the formation of the Avengers has been fascinating to watch, and swapping actors in such a vital role at this juncture will be absolutely fatal to the suspension-of-disbelief  factor.  It looked like it was all dove-tailing together quite nicely; now it seems the transition from many films to one will be more jarring than expected.

So now the hunt is on for a new actor to fill Bruce Banner’s easily-shreddable shoes.  Already a casting rumour has surfaced – could Joaquin Phoenix be the next in what seems to be becoming a long line of one-hit Hulks? Who do you think should play The Hulk?

Sources: Hitfix: Marvel Statement

Hitfix: Norton’s Agent’s Statement

Edward Norton’s Facebook Page

Tim Buckley over at Cad-Comic has come up with a terrifying vision of what might occur should the Americans ever get their hands on the Dr. Who franchise.

Stargate: Universe show-runner Brad Wright has revealed that the dark atmosphere of the show’s first season was only the beginning: the show is set to get darker next year.

"When you try to adopt a more realistic tone, where frankly we don’t win every time, then there have to be real-world repercussions like death and injury and loss," Wright said. "You can dig deeper into characters and the deeper you dig the repercussions can get bigger. We are going to some places with these characters, and already have really, that we would never go with the heroes of our other series.”

And things don’t bode will for Everett Young, played by Louis Ferreira. 

According to Robert C. Cooper, "After everything he’s been through – and it gets worse for him initially at the beginning of Season 2 – it’s impossible to imagine that a person wouldn’t go to a very dark place at least for a short period of time.

In other news, according to GateWorld, we’re set to see some Stargate Atlantis actors guesting on Universe next year.  No word on who, or to what extent yet, however.

What is Can’t Stop The Serenity?

Can’t Stop The Serenity is an annual global charity event – cities and towns all over the world host screenings of Joss Whedon’s gorram masterpiece Serenity (and sometimes Dr Horrible’s Singalong blog) with all proceeds going to Joss Whedon’s favourite charity Equality Now, a charity which fights for women’s rights across the world.

There are raffles, merchandise sales, shindigs and party games galore.  It is a chance for Browncoats from all corners of the verse to come together, celebrate their fandom and raise money for an excellent cause.

Full event listings are here; for our UK readers there are five events you can make your way to:

Nottingham : This Sunday 13th June (I’ll be at this

one, come and harangue me for not writing more often!)

Gateshead, Tyne, and Wear : Thursday 24th June (sorry, can’t find their site, will update if I find it)

Gloucester : Saturday June 26th

Birmingham : Saturday 10th July

Bristol : Saturday, 31st July

Go to one, go to all or simply head over to Equality Now’s site and contribute.

No power in the verse can stop us!

For more information, follow Can’t Stop The Serenity on Facebook and Twitter

The BBC website today reports that the extraterrestrial-combatting Torchwood team will return for a new series courtesy of BBC Cymru Wales, BBC Worldwide and the US Starz Network.

After the much-debated deal with the Fox network fell through, it seems 10 episodes have now been commissioned, to be written by a team of writers headed up by series creator and geek household name Russell T. Davies.

The focus will be shifting from the streets of Cardiff to encompass more global storylines – hopefully this new series will have the budget to deal with this intriguing development.

The BBC also confirms that John Barrowman and Eve Myles will return and will be joined by “new faces”.

Watch this space!

Disclaimer: The following contains opinions that are my own, not necessarily those of Sci-Fi Heaven or anyone else. It also contains almost no reason or rationale whatsoever and should be taken with a big pinch of salt.

3D. Well it’s got to be better than bog-standard old 2D, innit, it’s got a whole extra D.  That’s one whole extra D, not half of a D but a whole one. What’s not to love?

In recent months we’ve seen something of a resurgence in the old 3D gimmick.  We’ve come such a long way now in terms of technology that we can dismissively wave away talk of such embarrassing spectacles as the old B-movies or the ludicious Jaws 3D. ‘Oh ho ho,’ we hoot, ‘dear me, the 3D films of today aren’t as poor as those lumbering dinosaurs. The end product of the 3D process is actually worth the cost of production these days. Bother us not with your trifles!’

Well I’m bothered.

Yes, the price difference between a 3D ticket and a non-3D ticket isn’t necessarily budget-crippling depending on where you go and which film you wish to watch.  Yes, 3D vastly enhanced the viewing experience of Avatar, a film which otherwise would have been visually nice but more noticeably hollow.

But for every Avatar, filmed in 3D with the 3D effect as part of the intended end product, there’s at least a handful of Clash of the Titans…es, where the 3D is slapped on and crowbarred in at a later date because the producers hear the sound of cash-registers ringing every time the word ‘3D’ is mentioned. The result is a poor, pointless and almost insulting grasp for extra money from us, the consumers.

At the moment it seems as if the announcement for every upcoming remake, animated kids’ flick or tired franchise sequel contains the words ‘IN 3D!’.  Logan’s Run? Check. Toy Story 3? Yup. Men in Black 3? Come on, do people even want a Men in Black 3 in 2D? Apparently so. Even the World Cup will be filmed in 3D!

Right now Space Chimps 2 is out in the cinemas. How did Space Chimps get a sequel? Did anyone WATCH the first Space Chimps? As far as I can tell the only reason it exists is because parents will take their kids to see anything in 3D so that they can sit their with their little eyes wide open because the chimps are RIGHT THERE IN THE ROOM! Except they’re not. Because 3D still isn’t that good yet.  Forgive me for being mostly 3D-indifferent until they’ve got films displayed as holograms.  It just doesn’t seem worth it till then.

My personal bugbear with 3D films is the glasses. I wear ordinary glasses that don’t muck about with any dimensions. So I have to wear the 3D glasses over them. Me and  millions of other people, yes.  Most people seem to experience no difficulties with this. A friend of mine gets blinding migraines from 3D glasses. Unless I’m using the silly cardboard ones I get intense pain at my temples where the pairs of glasses rest on each other for the first half hour of whatever film I watch in 3D. This is distracting. Quite distracting. It didn’t ruin Avatar but it certainly detracted from it.  Some people get motion sickness from being unable to focus properly during action sequences.  I’m not saying 3D is a health hazard, I’m just pointing out that it doesn’t exactly work perfectly for everyone.

3D is a gimmick. A shiny, increasingly effective one, but a gimmick nonetheless.  Filmmaking shouldn’t be about gimmicks. If there’s anything we should learn from William Castle’s B-movies it’s that 3D, invisible ghosts and vibrating seats do not good movies make.  Gimmicks don’t redeem awful films, they just con suckers into paying more to see them.

On a related note, check out this article on the ‘Marvel Super Heroes 4D’ attraction at Madam Tusseauds London.  Yes, the ‘4D’ bit threw me too. Does everyone get given a dagger of time that lets them rewind the attraction as they please? No. The 4^th D is “water [and] airjets” that blast the audience. Er. Unless I’m mistaken, that’s not 4D. Methinks the spokesperson needs to do more research into their Ds.

Wow, take a look at what is in store for us next week:

All I can think right now is what if something happens to me during the week and I can’t see how this all pans out?